While at a Marriage Retreat sponsored by the Chaplains Religious Enrichment Development Operation (CREDO), Kenny and I learned some valuable lessons on marriage and communication. We had a great relaxing weekend, and I totally encourage every active duty military couple to take advantage of CREDO resources!! It was a paid-for weekend at a hotel with marriage workshop. It was led by CREDO's chaplain, a Christian, seminary-trained Naval officer who did a phenomenal job leading us with wisdom, understanding and humor. CREDO is one of the Navy's best-kept secrets, so if you're near San Diego check it out! One of the most salient messages I took away goes as follows:
Alexander the Great, born in 356 BC, was one of the world's most successful military conquerors. He secured the throne of Greece at the age of twenty and led many conquests to conquer much of the known world at that time. Alexander's armies were out at war conquesting for years at a time (and we thought 9-month deployments are bad!) There was no turning back; you either march, fight and survive, or die trying. Upon reaching the shores of Persia, Alexander ordered the men to BURN all their ships. Legend has it he ordered, "We leave on Persian ships, or we die trying!" Their army was outnumbered by 5 to 1, yet at that battle they still won and conquered the city!! They defeated armies with more men and resources while on foreign ground over and over again. How? Success was their only option. They burned their means of escape pushing them to have the drive and motivation to move forward at all costs.
Alexander voraciously fought and extended his empire all the way from Egypt to India, through much of the known world at that time. His military tactics are brazen, and the speed and scale of what his armies accomplished is still unheard of today. His armies accomplished incredible feats which we can contemplate and learn from today.
Once we get married, we need to burn the boat.
We have made a decision, we're committed, we made a promise to that person before God and our families that we will be one with them for the rest of our lives. There is no turning back. The boat to our old life and old possibilities is BURNT and the ashes are blowing in the metaphorical wind! You press on to make the best of your new life with that person and do whatever it takes to THRIVE.
With military marriages especially, this can be a hard thing to face up to and do. For the beginning of my marriage to my Navy husband, I had a hard time with this and didn't even realize it. With military life, there is SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY. He's gone and can't communicate with you, his orders are changing day to day, he's told to go here, there, then way over there, all while you're stuck feeling stranded in a place you never wanted to be in the first place. (familiar to anyone? yea...)
Then think about getting a job/ figuring out your own life? - HA that's hilarious!
You went to college, worked your butt off, and have so many ambitions, but all the plans and dreams you come up with fall to the ground because each day [practically] his situation seems to change. When you finally are settled with orders, many of the programs and job opportunities you wish you could have are not available near the military base, the education program is too long/expensive, you'll be leaving in 1.5 years, or you wouldn't be hired for a meaningful position nearby because you're there for such a limited time. So you're left with taking whatever you can get, try to make the best of it and settle in as much as you can where you know no one or nothing.
When in this situation, it's easy to develop a bit of resentment towards your situation/spouse's job (while still fully loving him!) ... thinking, "If only I could have gone there or studied there!", or "Wow that job looks so awesome! Wait, it's in X and I'm stuck in Y for who knows how long...", or "I wish I could do this program, oh wait, there's only openings here, there and there, which I'll never be able to go to" ... These are all realities of military spouse life, and last I heard about 80% of mil-spouses are unemployed. (that's a lot! granted a lot of them are probably parents or new moms, but still that's a lot)
Thinking this way and getting caught up in everything you "can't" do can be a dangerous trap though! By the time he gets back from deployment you'll already be worked up and bitter towards your relationship/circumstances. You CHOSE this life. You knew what you were getting into when you said yes to him, and you are STILL proud of him for serving our country. Yes there are great challenges ahead, but please don't get caught up in looking back and thinking of all the other things you could have done.
Doing that too much can lead people on the slippery slope to ending their relationship - when they fantasize having so much freedom and security from being in control of their own single life and "freed" from following their spouse. The truth is when you said "I do" you committed to be one with your spouse, to live life with them in whatever circumstances and orders may come, and to make the most of it.
Addition from Kenny:
Along with choosing this path, we have to accept that once we are married that a new home is made. Your parents' home is no longer your "home" or fall-back option. Mark 10: 6-8 says, "But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become one flesh". While family is still family, we should also burn the bridge to fall back on our parents. Our home is the one create whether or not one is gone on deployment. This is not to say that we can't still visit our parents but I think we shouldn't view that as our home or "fall-back" option. The Bible mentions numerous times the importance of not looking back, and I'm learning this is especially true for marriage. Ecclesiastes 7:10 says, "Say not, 'Why were the former days better than these?' For it is not from wisdom that you ask this." I know each new duty station may not seem like "home", but your true home really needs to be wherever your spouse, even if they are gone on orders.
There might be battles and 'Persians' ahead, but we must deliberately work and love each other to thrive in each and every new circumstance. There is no turning back, and we shall forge on to have victory in our new love-filled lives together!
I hope this little lesson from history has been as encouraging for you as it has been for me! (:
Love and best wishes,
Kim
** By the Way, for Military Spouse Career Resources, see:
http://www.careeronestop.org/militaryspouse/
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/seco
https://msepjobs.militaryonesource.mil/
http://www.ingearcareer.org/ (--> where I found my current job! :) )
http://www.msccn.org/
https://aiportal.acc.af.mil/mycaa/ (-->MyCAA scholarship for eligible spouses)
**Photos courtesy of:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/05/05/article-2139993-12EBD38F000005DC-694_634x496.jpg
http://ignorelimits.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Alexander-the-Great-Burn-Your-Boats.jpg
http://www.twptown.org/assets/images/2009%20Shows/21GunBurningBoat4_200x200.jpg
I adapted this from the recipe for Paleo Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies at the "Making the World Cuter" blog. Those pumpkin cookies are amazing and it's a simple straight-forward recipe. I have tried to follow a more vegan lifestyle lately, so I wanted to adapt the recipe and substitute the honey, butter and eggs for something a little more plant-based. I also adjusted the coconut flour and added quinoa flour, as it has fewer calories and is a complete source of protein. The chia seeds replace eggs, are high in protein, and even offer a boost of omega-3 fatty acids. The unsweetened applesauce replaces the butter and can replace the fat component in many baking recipes. The honey is replaced by erythritol or stevia, whichever plant-based, natural organic sweetener you have access to. The nice part about this recipe is you can stir everything by hand in a mixing bowl, no blender or equipment required - super easy!
